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The Conversation Outlived Her
The hardest part of grief right now isn’t the sadness. It’s the silence. The sadness is still there. It always is. But now that the chaos has settled, now that the noise of survival isn’t quite so loud, I find myself missing the conversation. Missing my co‑conspirator. Talking with Katy was never difficult. We skipped…
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Children of the Corn — Would She Have Liked It?
My wife and I were both Stephen King fans. Katy was already neck‑deep in King’s world when we met. I was more of a casual reader. Caught up on the essentials, dipping into some deep cuts and the non‑horror titles. Somewhere along the way, it stopped being about catching up to what she’d read. It…
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She Knew I’d Get Here
I heard “The Story” by Brandi Carlile for the first time today. Not “first time” like I’d never heard it before. Katy and I were fans. Well, Katy was the real fan. I was more of a casual participant. Still, Brandi’s music lived in the background of our life. Car rides. Target aisles. Saturday mornings.…
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Braveheart: Same Movie, Less Pull
Katy loved Braveheart. I mean, she deeply loved this film. Like a lot of Gen Xers, my wife Katy worked two jobs in her twenties. One of them was as a video rental clerk. She saw Braveheart in theaters three times, and when it landed on the in store rotation, she was the only employee…
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Talking Grief
I’m not a therapist—just someone navigating grief and a job search out loud. If you’re in need of help, please use professional support channels designed for that care.Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 (24/7). Heads up, friends—this is a long one. Grief talks to you.It has a voice. If left to its own devices,…
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You Look Brighter
Today, my therapist told me that I “looked brighter.” As I sat down in my usual spot, I kept thinking about that—about what it meant, and how it made me feel. In perfect Dr. Melfi fashion, she asked me: How do you feel about looking brighter? It felt like a kind of confirmation. Maybe I’m…
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Self Gaslighting is a thing. Right?
Today I would like to share a journal entry from last week. I revisited this entry today after I accepted a new contract position. I GOT A JOB!!! Therapist: Who are you? Me: A 52-year-old, unemployed, depressed widower. It scared me how fast the answer came. No thought, the answer just rolled out like marbles…
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If you see it, let me know?
Losing my wife has plagued me throughout the past year; Sadness, anger, confusion and fear have clouded my every move. Every decision feels bigger and more intimidating. I question everything I do. If that wasn’t enough, each of these emotions affects the part of my psyche that I’ve struggled with my entire life. Self-confidence. Before…
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Its Just a Name. Right?
I had to go to the DMV today to have Katy’s name removed from the title of the Jeep. This allowed me to renew the registration for a couple years. It was not a bad experience, but it was not my favorite moment of the year by far. I arrived fully prepared to complete the…
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A new kind of fear
This is a different kind of fear. Not like the fear I felt the night I asked her to marry me. Not like the fear I felt when we bought our first house. Not like the fear I felt when she looked at me and said “I have cancer.” Not like the fear I felt…
Rewatch / Replay 