OldManMatt
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Braveheart: Same Movie, Less Pull
Katy loved Braveheart. I mean, she deeply loved this film. Like a lot of Gen Xers, my wife Katy worked two jobs in her twenties. One of them was as a video rental clerk. She saw Braveheart in theaters three times, and when it landed on the in store rotation, she was the only employee…
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This Is Me Editing the Noise
A Small Shift If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you might notice things feel a little different going forward. That’s intentional. This space is slowing down and narrowing its focus. Less reacting. More revisiting. More reflection. Going forward, this blog will adopt the same structure and sensibility as Rewatch / Replay (my…
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Talking Grief
I’m not a therapist—just someone navigating grief and a job search out loud. If you’re in need of help, please use professional support channels designed for that care.Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 (24/7). Heads up, friends—this is a long one. Grief talks to you.It has a voice. If left to its own devices,…
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You Look Brighter
Today, my therapist told me that I “looked brighter.” As I sat down in my usual spot, I kept thinking about that—about what it meant, and how it made me feel. In perfect Dr. Melfi fashion, she asked me: How do you feel about looking brighter? It felt like a kind of confirmation. Maybe I’m…
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Self Gaslighting is a thing. Right?
Today I would like to share a journal entry from last week. I revisited this entry today after I accepted a new contract position. I GOT A JOB!!! Therapist: Who are you? Me: A 52-year-old, unemployed, depressed widower. It scared me how fast the answer came. No thought, the answer just rolled out like marbles…
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Sit With It, Matthew!!
“You need to sit with those emotions”-My therapist tells me this at least every third session. Supposedly, facing the myriad of emotions left behind by the death of my wife is necessary. And while I understand the purpose behind the words, I don’t like them. The experience makes me feel uncomfortable, sometimes forcing me to…
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If you see it, let me know?
Losing my wife has plagued me throughout the past year; Sadness, anger, confusion and fear have clouded my every move. Every decision feels bigger and more intimidating. I question everything I do. If that wasn’t enough, each of these emotions affects the part of my psyche that I’ve struggled with my entire life. Self-confidence. Before…
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What’s In The BOX!?!?!
I’ve been struggling lately, especially with letting go. For three months, four boxes of chinaware for Goodwill and one box of Katy’s things for a friend have sat untouched—I keep making excuses instead of dealing with them. Usually, I’m good at procrastinating, but this feels different. How might you ask? I was scared; these boxes…
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Its Just a Name. Right?
I had to go to the DMV today to have Katy’s name removed from the title of the Jeep. This allowed me to renew the registration for a couple years. It was not a bad experience, but it was not my favorite moment of the year by far. I arrived fully prepared to complete the…
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Got Kind of Dark Last Night.
I was on the fence about sharing this. It’s heavy and I don’t want to scare any of you. Also, because it contains some triggers regarding suicide, so this is your warning. Still with me….are you sure? Last chance to turn back. Okay then. First, please know that I am okay. I am working through…
Rewatch / Replay 