And Now She is Gone

Grief has made me recognize little things that I took for granted in the 20 years I was with Katy.

In a marriage, at least in my experience, there comes a point when your partner develops into something more than just a partner, they become the eyes in the back of your head, or a 2nd pair of hands. If you are lucky this connection comes naturally, no work is required, like it did with Katy and I. Sometimes, you have to work at it, but either way, once that connection is established, it can become so normal you don’t even realize how important it has become. In my case, I became so accustomed to the connection I did notice how easily it fit into my life. 

I lost count how many times Katy would stand behind me in the bathroom and say “Hold on, you got one of those little pimples on your back.”-Before you start twisting your face in disgust, if you are in a “serious” relationship and your other person does NOT pop the hard-to-reach zits for you, than I am afraid you are doing it wrong-There were a few instances when brought me a fresh towel while I was in the shower because she knew I had forgotten to grab one. 

At times, we would put ourselves on a financial lock down, during these periods we only bought what we needed versus what we wanted. These periods were typically inspired by a vacation or home repair. During the lock down, Katy was that voice in my head that would tell me to put it back, it’s not a necessity. Other timed, she would be the devil on my shoulder saying “Fuck it, let’s buy it” When ordering dinner at one of our regular restaurants, she was there to remind me that I don’t like the way this particular restaurant fixes their masked potatoes, or the French fries are always soggy. 

My point is, once your person is gone, you find yourself at a disadvantage; Last night as I was stepping out of the shower, I looked to my left where my towel should have been hanging, only to realize that I had not grabbed a new towel before hopping in. Driven on pure instinct, I took a breath and started to yell out her name. I stopped myself and stood there thinking through how I was going to get a fresh towel. I honestly did not know what I was going to do. This wasn’t the first time this had happened to me, I just had not recognized it until that moment of emptiness.

Eventually, I snapped out it and just grabbed an older towel to dry off. As I venture deeper into this new world, I am slowly and cautiously learning how to navigate without her by my side. I still have her voice in my head

that will NEVER leave, but the physical manifestation of her voice has transformed to sticky notes. I have them pinned around the house to ensure I don’t forget those things that she used to remind me of. 

I never thought at 51 I would find yet another use for those little yellow pads.