And Now She is Gone

Every relationship has a period where the two participants are trying to figure each other out. It typically begins when the couple decides to cohabitate, a significant step often filled with anticipation and the subtle scent of new beginnings. This can be a pivotal moment in any relationship. Moving in together will tell the two humans whether they are compatible 25/7. Seeing this person on a date night or a weekend stay over is one thing, but when these two individuals live their lives in close proximity to each other, sometimes right on top of each other, things get real. 

For Katy and me, there was a period of fine tuning. We each had annoying habits that we either had to destroy -mine was smoking-or little quirks that no one else had ever seen. For example, Katy had this thing about her drinks. She almost never finished one. She would grab a bottle of Dr. Pepper, her favorite soda, and sip on it as she watched Grey’s Anatomy, or worked a crossword. Let me be clear, she would sip it. I’m not sure I ever saw Katy “gulp” down a drink. She wasn’t proper about it, she wasn’t trying to be prim or polite, she just never “gulped”. She would eat the same why, tiny bites, nice and slow, “I want to enjoy the taste” she would say whenever I would joke about her bird like picking at her food. Because of this slow and steady approach to her beverages, it was not uncommon for her to have a half bottle of Dr. Pepper sitting there when she was ready for bed. So, one of two things would happen. If it was a Dr. Pepper or one of her Starbucks concoctions, it would end up in the freezer. Katy loved the texture of slushy drinks; she would enjoy those days post-surgery when all she could “eat” was ice chips. At any time, I could open our freezer and see four or five cups, can or travel mugs filled with some drink in various stages of the freezing process. The other options, and this was the one that I had to work with for 19 years, was when she would leave the half empty bottle, can, cup, whatever she was drinking it from, right where it was. 

She never did it consciously. It is important to mention this. She wasn’t a slob; she just had the kind of brain that would allow putting off work until late, or next week.. If, in her mind, the task before her was too much for her or it did not fit with whatever activity she was ready for, she wouldn’t do it. She was very good at procrastinating. In here mind, (and it would take me a few years to understand this) as she stood to go to bed, she would remember the half-drunk beverage sitting there, then she would look in the kitchen’s direction and think about how far it was from the couch to the kitchen, then she would think about how much easier it would be to just pick the container up as she passed it in the morning when she walked from the bedroom to the kitchen to get her morning before coffee. There, the problem is solved. 
Katy was not a morning person, she would end up walking past the container from the previous night, as if it became invisible overnight. This is where our little game would begin; this is a game that would continue right up to play out right up to the day she was constrained to the Hospice bed. I would leave the container right where it was, and would wait to see how long before she would take to the sink for washing. Sometimes the container would sit there for days growing a carpet of mold, at which point I would break down, dump whatever was left and wash the container until the next round. 

I was never angry about this, at first it was more confusion than anger. I grew up with a Marine. You did not leave your dirty dishes lying around the house, much less waste what you poured. That was just wasteful. I couldn’t understand how her parents had never taught her this simple act that holds the superstructure of our society together. You remember the movie Signs, with the daughter that kept glasses half full of water all over her room and the house. Eventually (spoiler alert) we learn that is what is saving the family from complete annihilation. Well, as we would get deeper into our marriage, the half empty container became a sign of endearment for me. As long as she continued to leave her half-finished beverages around the house, things were normal. After she was gone, I would continue to find these containers around the house. There was a half-finished glass of water in our bedroom, on her side of the bed. It sat for 3 months before I was able to take care of it. 

Anyway, those little things that come up in this early phase can either make or break the couple. However, as you continue to navigate these twists and turns, you will also find things that you have in common. My favorite part of those early days of Katy and me living together was when we discovered something new that we both enjoyed. For Katy and me, these were a few television shows. This was before streaming when TV was still a destination. We quickly sank into the mysteries of LOST. We fell in love with Sheldon and the gang on Big Bang. But the one show that grabbed us both right away was, and I hate to admit this, was American Idol. 
It became a weekly viewing for us. Tuesday nights, 8pm. Katy and I would prepare for viewing with a snack. We would have our favorites each season. During the auditions, we would pick our favorites and decide who should win it all. We would laugh at the bad auditions, marvel and hiding talent, and admonish Cowell when he was too harsh’ we also praise him when he was right. Each season would pick our favorites. We both enjoyed Clay, we were shocked about Hudson, and we both thought Kelli was adorable. 

But there was only one signer that made Katy actually vote, Chris Daughtry. He had that gravel to his voice that made Katy swoon. She loved the clean vocals of a good singer/songwriter, and a slight southern twang was preferred in her country. However, when it came to rock and roll, she wanted some gravel in the voice. Nothing unintelligible, mind you. She was a stickler for clear pronunciation. But if the singer has a touch of scratch to their vocals, she was all in. Katy was not gender specific either. Male or female, it was all about the gravelly voice to her. Kim Karnes, Joplin and Sting all got her toes tapping equally. 

He was smart to open with “Wanted Dead or Alive”, hands down Katy’s favorite Bon Jovi song. I thought his performance of Cash’s “Walk the Line” sealed the deal for him. For Katy, it was his rendition of “What a Wonderful World” that was the song that was going to win him the whole kit and Kaboodle. He was voted off during the Top 4 week. Katy was devastated. She was livid. At first, she sat there in shock. I followed along as she went through each stage of fandom grief. First there was a shock. This is not happening. Something is wrong. Maybe we missed something. Anger replaced the shock. The sound was bad, he couldn’t hear himself, that is why his voice didn’t sound right. Maybe it was the mic. After that comes disappointment. This journey we had been on together was over. The best singer on the show just got voted off. America is stupid. These thoughts would be applied to the 2016 election in the same attempt to make sense of it all. Welcome to fandom, my love. 

She would go through the same rollercoaster of emotion watching Orange is the New Black at least twice and almost weekly watching Grey’s Anatomy. 

Over the next few seasons, we gradually stopped watching. The fun wasn’t there anymore. None of the new contestants were as exciting. Katy said the show suddenly felt disingenuous. It became something different to us at that point. It wasn’t taking the music seriously anymore. They were just looking for the next face they could plaster on marketing materials. Because of this, people that hated the show would pick a contestant that either had no talent or was just an annoying person. She was exceptionally upset when that one kid kept getting voted to the next round when he was obviously not as talented as the other singers. I guess it was a way to mock the show. We both understood why they were doing it, but we felt that it removed the legitimacy of the contest. What was the point? 

Daughtry became one of our musical bonds. I continued to listen to his music, and I would always share his singles with her when they were released. We would often listen to his music when goofing off around the house or yard. Daughtry and Lizzy Hale released a cover of Separate Ways by Journey in April 2023. Katy really enjoyed it, which was a shock. I’ve mentioned it was one of the few non-Phil Collins covers she would allow. When Katy went into hospice, she created a playlist on Spotify. It was full of the songs she loved, and several of Chris Daughtry’s songs were on the list. 

Daughtry’s music takes me back to those early days when Katy and I were still navigating this unfamiliar territory we were in. There was a lot of confusion, embarrassment and awkwardness to overcome in those days; but the music kept us moving in the right direction.