And Now She is Gone

He is standing in line at the grocery store. There is woman and her daughter behind him. He can hear them giggling and then the mother taps him on the shoulder.

“My daughter and I think your hoodie is very funny, can I ask where you got it?”

He looks down and recognizes the hoodie. He is wearing one of her hoodies. This was the first hoodie he bought her. On the back there is a picture of a penguin and beneath the penguin is written

I AM F*#&!@^ FREEZING!

He was so excited when he purchased it. He knew she would love it. He became a little child again, waiting for the special toy he saved 50 box tops for. He just could not wait to see her face. On the day it arrived she was not home. So he sat at the kitchen table and waited. When she arrived, he went to her, he couldn’t wait for her to see it. She looks at him surprised at the package. She opens it and gets excited because it is a new hoodie. She had not even seen the design on the back. “Look at the back” he says, and she does. Her face lights up and she laughs. He always loved that sound, her laughter. Especially when it came as a surprise to her.

She loved it. And she wore it. Everywhere. She wore it when they went to see Patton Oswald at the Kennedy center. She was wearing it the day they picked up Baxter, and the day they he died. She was wearing it when he drove her to the first surgery to remove the cancer. And now he wore it.

“It is my wife’s.” He doesn’t know why he refers to her in present tense, He knows it allows the conversation to continue. The daughter sighs and says “aww, how sweet, you share hoodies!?” The mother laughs and says, “I can’t get my husband to let my borrow his tools, much less wear his clothes.”

“She’s dead. Last year.” And he turns to pay for his groceries. The mother and daughter are shocked. He sees the mother say something to him, but he doesn’t hear anything. He thoughtlessly turns and says thank you and walks to his car.

It is easier to announce her death bluntly, one might say impolitely to strangers.

He doesn’t care if he offends them.

It makes these little moments go by faster.