My Journey After Her

The very first connection I had with Katy came when we discovered we were both Indigo Girls fans, and the song that inspired that revelation was The Power of 2.

Before we get too deep into my story, I wanted to share a little background info to set the scene. We had reached a point in the relationship where I didn’t really know what to do. Before Katy, most of the girls I had dated, not even dated honestly, they were more along the lines of a series of “hook-ups”. No connection. And then Katy came into the picture. Katy was different. And when I recognized this, to my surprise, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was falling in love. And that scared me, not because I didn’t think I could handle it. It was more because I did not want to fuck it up. I had to play this right way, not rush.

So, I made her a Mix-CD.

Music was the glue that held it all together for me in those days. I was wandering day by day in a fog. Drifting from one meaningless job to the next. When Katy and I met, I was working the night shift at the local ER. I would tell people I helped to verify insurance for admitted patients. In reality, I was a copy boy. Every night I spent 4 hours preparing medical files for copying and then I would spend 3 hours copying those files and putting them away. I still don’t know why I was doing it, but it was a job. I felt like I was one bad decision and away from living on the streets. But, through all this music kept me from doing something I would regret. I would like to say that it was one song that would inspire me to do great things. I kind of wish I had had some cathartic moment when the clouds opened wide and there was David Gilmour, surrounded by angels, singing “Learning to Fly”, and I was like “FUCK! I got it now. Thank you, David Gilmour,” but it was just music in general. No matter how shitty my day was, when it was over, my friends were waiting for me on stage to sing the fog away. And the genre didn’t matter. Once I hit 30, the line that separated genres disappeared. Good music is good music.

Therefore, the idea of a Mix-CD was perfect. It was the best way for me to express these new feelings fluttering inside me in ways that would allow me to get my message across to her. The Mix CD had done so for countless other’s right!? I mean, who didn’t have one of those CD carry cases with a collection of your personal mixes for every occasion? They all had titles like “GET PUMPED!” or “I’d Hit That!!” I always preferred more creative titles for my CDs. For example, “The music plays in R2D2’s head 24/7” which was a collection of my favorite Tangerine Dream tracks. So, now that I had decided on the CD, I began thinking about what songs I wanted on the CD. I had to be careful. I didn’t want to freak her out, so I stayed away from anything that could be interpreted as serial killer vibes. Every Breath You Take was off the list. I also wanted to avoid cliché songs. No Journey, (Look, I love Journey, but let’s be honest…) I also wanted to avoid sappy songs. You know, those songs that people dedicate to the person they saw standing at the other end of the subway car, “I hope you hear this, let’s connect!”. No Air Supply. Katy and I had discussed music. I knew she enjoyed Sarah McLaughlin and worshipped Dolly Parton and HATED cover songs. Except those sung by Phil Collins. That was the extent of my knowledge in this area. So, I spent the next 6 hours shifting through the catalogue of music in my brain for the perfect tracks.

I started out with The Violent Femmes cover of Epp App Ork Ah Ah. I added I Wanna be your Boyfriend by the Ramones, and Pride and Joy by Stevie Ray Vaughn. And then the Indigo Girls, Power of Two. I used a live version of the song from 1200 Curfews. This one was picked for a specific reason. I was falling in love with Katy. I accepted this about halfway through my makeshift recording session. As I listened to Amy and Emily sing, I heard the lyrics for the first time. Or maybe it was more like they were different to me now. They suddenly started to make sense to me. I understood what they were singing about. I felt what they were singing about. It was Katy. At that moment, I knew I was falling for her, hard. It was a whole new song to me, and it said everything I wanted to say. By the time I was finished, there were 11 songs on the CD. Each one meticulously curated from my own personal collection. I sat on my bed, my laptop still playing music, and I looked at the CD. This is it, Matt. You give her this CD and she is gonna know your fucking heart will be on display. This is either going to be the first step toward something great, or your first true heartbreak.

A few days later, I went to her place. We went out for dinner, but I had to head home that night due to an early morning the next day. I gave her the CD. “Here, I made this for you” we were standing on the steps leading to the front door of the townhouse she shared with her sister. She looked at me, a smile beginning to form, and she asked, “Did you make me a CD?”, My face suddenly felt puffy, and a sudden flush of embarrassment slammed into my cheeks and my stomach did a cartwheel. “I did. Is that okay?” She sprang towards me and I had to catch her. When she drooped to her feet she squealed, “No one has ever made me a CD!” and she kissed me deep and hugged me hard. She grabbed the CD and kissed me again. Then turned and skipped into her house.

About a week later, I was at her place again. We were discussing what we wanted to do for the evening. It was one of my overnight trips and we always tried to do something fun on those visits. I had not asked her about the CD yet. I didn’t want to come off as desperate. So, I kept my mouth shut. We finally landed on ordering Chinese and staying in. We got her sister’s order, and we sat down on the couch to watch something while we waited for our food. I decided this was a good time to ask her if she had listened to the CD. “Oh, right! I loved it!”. She was telling me about the songs she liked, but I didn’t hear any of it. All I could think about was that the fact that this woman that I was quickly falling in love with enjoyed the CD I made for her.

Nothing else mattered at that moment.

The next thing I realize, the food is there and all three of us are standing in the kitchen. She and her sister are talking about the CD. After Katy had listened to it, she had to have her sister hear it. She would admit to me later in our marriage that they had listened to the CD in her sister PT Cruiser. They would listen intently to each song and then discuss what it could’ve meant, what was he trying to say. Suddenly, Katy looked at me. “I want to listen to it again, but with you. I want you to tell me the story behind each song” This was new, “What do you mean, why I choose them?” She thought about that for a second. “If you are comfortable sharing that, yes. I want to know why you love these songs. I have a feeling that each of those songs was hand-picked, and I want to hear the story behind why you picked each one.” She looked with a stern pout, like she would throw a tantrum if she didn’t get her way. So, we listened to the CD together.

We went to her room, which was in the basement, set up our dinner, put on the CD and settled in. As each song played, she would ask questions like “Where were you the first time you heard this?” or “What do the lyrics mean to you?” And with each song, I opened up a bit more.

I want to take a moment here to explain something. You are going to hear a lot through these stories. I believe that in every relationship there are little moments strewn throughout that will make up the fabric of that relationship. These moments weave together over time and create a blanket. And that blanket will warm you when you are cold. It will hide you when you are scared. And it will be a pillow when you’re too tired to hold your head up. This was a moment. In fact, this was one of the earliest moments between Katy and me; this is when we began to weave our blanket.

Okay, back to the story.

The Power of Two started playing. Katy had stood up to stretch out and froze. She looked over at me, smiled and said, “I was surprised to hear this one on my CD.” She sat back down, but now she turned herself to face me. She suddenly had this serious look on her face. She was on to something. She leaned in close and said, “You don’t seem like an Indigo Girls kind of guy.” So, I told her about the time I was hanging out at a friend’s house and this friend was listening to the album Nomads, Indians and Saints. When I hear Chicken Man, I stopped what I was doing and listened. Amy Ray’s voice felt somehow off to me, like she shouldn’t be singing the song, but it still fit perfectly. And the harmonies were like nothing I had ever heard. I immediately asked to borrow the CD and listened to it 3 times that night. I was officially a fan. Katy listened to the entire story with interest and excitement. She giggled here and there. Would, as normal, ask me clarifying questions throughout? And then she told me about her love for the duo. Their music was a strong bond between her and her sister. They would sing the songs, harmonizing perfectly. They were both fantastic singers, and I was privileged to hear their rendition of a few songs.

We ended up talking about music until the wee hours of the night. After her CD was over, she put in Paul Simon, Graceland (more on this one later) and that led us to a discussion about our favorite 70s singer songwriters. And then I ran out to my truck and grabbed my CDs and we listened to Def Leppard, Pyromania. I explained to her how this was the last good Def Leppard album. All that over produced, MTV branded sugar on me bullshit was, well, shit. It was easy for me to nerd out when talking about music, and I was normally on guard against it. But with Katy, I wasn’t on guard anymore. The conversation flowed between us smoothly, intently listening to each other and learning how to navigate each other’s rhythms. It was really special.
The Power of Two would remain a part of our lives. It was our song. Our first dance. And music would continue to be our glue. It drew us closer to each other through the discovery of each artist. Every song she had never heard was another opportunity for me to settle her deeper into my world. And we would spend hours discussing the lyrics to various songs. Our favorite game was created that night. We called it The List. One of us would ask the other, “What are your top 5 Love songs?” or “Give me your top 10 songs used in car chase scenes” We would play that game until we couldn’t stay awake.

This is our story through music that connected us.

Every relationship has a period where the two participants are trying to figure each other out. It typically begins when the couple decides to cohabitate, a significant step often filled with anticipation and the subtle scent of new beginnings. This can be a pivotal moment in any relationship. Moving in together will tell the two humans whether they are compatible 25/7. Seeing this person on a date night or a weekend stay over is one thing, but when these two individuals live their lives in close proximity to each other, sometimes right on top of each other, things get real. 

For Katy and me, there was a period of fine tuning. We each had annoying habits that we either had to destroy -mine was smoking-or little quirks that no one else had ever seen. For example, Katy had this thing about her drinks. She almost never finished one. She would grab a bottle of Dr. Pepper, her favorite soda, and sip on it as she watched Grey’s Anatomy, or worked a crossword. Let me be clear, she would sip it. I’m not sure I ever saw Katy “gulp” down a drink. She wasn’t proper about it, she wasn’t trying to be prim or polite, she just never “gulped”. She would eat the same why, tiny bites, nice and slow, “I want to enjoy the taste” she would say whenever I would joke about her bird like picking at her food. Because of this slow and steady approach to her beverages, it was not uncommon for her to have a half bottle of Dr. Pepper sitting there when she was ready for bed. So, one of two things would happen. If it was a Dr. Pepper or one of her Starbucks concoctions, it would end up in the freezer. Katy loved the texture of slushy drinks; she would enjoy those days post-surgery when all she could “eat” was ice chips. At any time, I could open our freezer and see four or five cups, can or travel mugs filled with some drink in various stages of the freezing process. The other options, and this was the one that I had to work with for 19 years, was when she would leave the half empty bottle, can, cup, whatever she was drinking it from, right where it was. 

She never did it consciously. It is important to mention this. She wasn’t a slob; she just had the kind of brain that would allow putting off work until late, or next week.. If, in her mind, the task before her was too much for her or it did not fit with whatever activity she was ready for, she wouldn’t do it. She was very good at procrastinating. In here mind, (and it would take me a few years to understand this) as she stood to go to bed, she would remember the half-drunk beverage sitting there, then she would look in the kitchen’s direction and think about how far it was from the couch to the kitchen, then she would think about how much easier it would be to just pick the container up as she passed it in the morning when she walked from the bedroom to the kitchen to get her morning before coffee. There, the problem is solved. 
Katy was not a morning person, she would end up walking past the container from the previous night, as if it became invisible overnight. This is where our little game would begin; this is a game that would continue right up to play out right up to the day she was constrained to the Hospice bed. I would leave the container right where it was, and would wait to see how long before she would take to the sink for washing. Sometimes the container would sit there for days growing a carpet of mold, at which point I would break down, dump whatever was left and wash the container until the next round. 

I was never angry about this, at first it was more confusion than anger. I grew up with a Marine. You did not leave your dirty dishes lying around the house, much less waste what you poured. That was just wasteful. I couldn’t understand how her parents had never taught her this simple act that holds the superstructure of our society together. You remember the movie Signs, with the daughter that kept glasses half full of water all over her room and the house. Eventually (spoiler alert) we learn that is what is saving the family from complete annihilation. Well, as we would get deeper into our marriage, the half empty container became a sign of endearment for me. As long as she continued to leave her half-finished beverages around the house, things were normal. After she was gone, I would continue to find these containers around the house. There was a half-finished glass of water in our bedroom, on her side of the bed. It sat for 3 months before I was able to take care of it. 

Anyway, those little things that come up in this early phase can either make or break the couple. However, as you continue to navigate these twists and turns, you will also find things that you have in common. My favorite part of those early days of Katy and me living together was when we discovered something new that we both enjoyed. For Katy and me, these were a few television shows. This was before streaming when TV was still a destination. We quickly sank into the mysteries of LOST. We fell in love with Sheldon and the gang on Big Bang. But the one show that grabbed us both right away was, and I hate to admit this, was American Idol. 
It became a weekly viewing for us. Tuesday nights, 8pm. Katy and I would prepare for viewing with a snack. We would have our favorites each season. During the auditions, we would pick our favorites and decide who should win it all. We would laugh at the bad auditions, marvel and hiding talent, and admonish Cowell when he was too harsh’ we also praise him when he was right. Each season would pick our favorites. We both enjoyed Clay, we were shocked about Hudson, and we both thought Kelli was adorable. 

But there was only one signer that made Katy actually vote, Chris Daughtry. He had that gravel to his voice that made Katy swoon. She loved the clean vocals of a good singer/songwriter, and a slight southern twang was preferred in her country. However, when it came to rock and roll, she wanted some gravel in the voice. Nothing unintelligible, mind you. She was a stickler for clear pronunciation. But if the singer has a touch of scratch to their vocals, she was all in. Katy was not gender specific either. Male or female, it was all about the gravelly voice to her. Kim Karnes, Joplin and Sting all got her toes tapping equally. 

He was smart to open with “Wanted Dead or Alive”, hands down Katy’s favorite Bon Jovi song. I thought his performance of Cash’s “Walk the Line” sealed the deal for him. For Katy, it was his rendition of “What a Wonderful World” that was the song that was going to win him the whole kit and Kaboodle. He was voted off during the Top 4 week. Katy was devastated. She was livid. At first, she sat there in shock. I followed along as she went through each stage of fandom grief. First there was a shock. This is not happening. Something is wrong. Maybe we missed something. Anger replaced the shock. The sound was bad, he couldn’t hear himself, that is why his voice didn’t sound right. Maybe it was the mic. After that comes disappointment. This journey we had been on together was over. The best singer on the show just got voted off. America is stupid. These thoughts would be applied to the 2016 election in the same attempt to make sense of it all. Welcome to fandom, my love. 

She would go through the same rollercoaster of emotion watching Orange is the New Black at least twice and almost weekly watching Grey’s Anatomy. 

Over the next few seasons, we gradually stopped watching. The fun wasn’t there anymore. None of the new contestants were as exciting. Katy said the show suddenly felt disingenuous. It became something different to us at that point. It wasn’t taking the music seriously anymore. They were just looking for the next face they could plaster on marketing materials. Because of this, people that hated the show would pick a contestant that either had no talent or was just an annoying person. She was exceptionally upset when that one kid kept getting voted to the next round when he was obviously not as talented as the other singers. I guess it was a way to mock the show. We both understood why they were doing it, but we felt that it removed the legitimacy of the contest. What was the point? 

Daughtry became one of our musical bonds. I continued to listen to his music, and I would always share his singles with her when they were released. We would often listen to his music when goofing off around the house or yard. Daughtry and Lizzy Hale released a cover of Separate Ways by Journey in April 2023. Katy really enjoyed it, which was a shock. I’ve mentioned it was one of the few non-Phil Collins covers she would allow. When Katy went into hospice, she created a playlist on Spotify. It was full of the songs she loved, and several of Chris Daughtry’s songs were on the list. 

Daughtry’s music takes me back to those early days when Katy and I were still navigating this unfamiliar territory we were in. There was a lot of confusion, embarrassment and awkwardness to overcome in those days; but the music kept us moving in the right direction.