And Now She is Gone

Today I would like to share a journal entry from last week. I revisited this entry today after I accepted a new contract position. I GOT A JOB!!!

Therapist: Who are you?

Me: A 52-year-old, unemployed, depressed widower.

It scared me how fast the answer came. No thought, the answer just rolled out like marbles from a jar. Was that me? Is that truly how I see myself?

Yep.

I’ve had some trouble with that. Perception. The outside perception to more specific. I am obsessed with what the world thinks of me. It eats away at my confidence. I can feel the doubt trying to plant roots.

Katy was my support, the hand on my back kept me steady. She is gone now. I must learn to support me.

So yeah. Here I am. Matthew Jordan, a 52-year-old, unemployed, depressed widower. I watched my mother and wife wither away. And, if I may mention, I also had to put down BOTH family dogs due to sickness within that time frame.

You are dam straight I am depressed.

The unemployment aspect only makes everything feel bigger, but you are making progress. Quitting my previous job may have been a rash decision, but I would not have been happy there for much longer. Go easy on yourself. I will find a job.

So, as I call upon the strength of Stuart Smalley, I say to myself.

I am depressed. But I am trying to get better
I am unemployed. But I am looking for work, and it will come.
I am a widower. I was married for 20 love drenched years with my best friend. Not everyone can say that.

I am 52, well…nothing I can do about that aside from remaining youthful in my heart.

So, stop gaslighting yourself Matthew. This is your world now, start accepting it or it’s gonna be a long hard road to feeling safe again.